Dear Catastrophe Waitress

I did something really, really bad.

I mean so bad that I think maybe they shouldn't let me graduate in May.

Let's just say, there was an unfortunate brownie making incident which resulted in a call to Poison Control.


"Um, Hi. Well, tonight I was making brownies and..."

"Go on."

"This is really stupid. And hard to explain."

"It's ok, we have heard it all!"

"Well, I was making them from scratch--you know, with cocoa powder and everything? Anyway, I was pouring them into the pan and when I went to lick the spoon...is this too much information?....anyway, I thought they tasted a little funny. I mean I know that homemade brownies taste different than say Duncan Hines or Betty Crocker...And I was thinking that maybe the taste was from the cocoa powder? You know what I mean?"

:::silence:::

"Anyway, I thought it tasted a little 'metallic' or "chemically." Is that even a word? And, so well, I retraced all my steps wondering if I left soap in the bottom of the pan, or who knows what."

:::continued, patient silence:::::

"And then I looked at my zip-lock bag of salt. See, I had put some salt that wouldn't fit in my salt container into a bag and placed it on my shelf in our pantry. And no, I didn't label it...I know....I just thought..."

"But it wasn't salt, was it?"

"No."

"Go on."

"I had also, at one point, put a zip-lock bag of Tide laundry detergent on the shelf right below."

"So you ingested some Tide laundry detergent?"

"Yes."

"About how much?"

"Well, the recipe called for a quarter of a teaspoon. And then of that, oh, I probably had just a fraction...whatever was in the three spoonfuls of batter that I ate."

"How long ago was this?"

"About 15 minutes ago."

"Well, I really think you will be fine. Maybe just an upset stomach if anything at all."

"Yes, but well, what I am most concerned about is that I can't find the zip-lock bag of salt. What I mean to say is that I have been cooking with this "salt" for the past 3 months. Sooooo.......Can you tell me anything about chronic ingestion of laundry detergent?"